A Brief List of Some Awkward Things I Did in 2011

Before entering a new, fresh year with a clean slate, it’s always good to reflect on the past year. Since I’m an awkward person, here are the awkward things (well, the ones I can remember) that I did with such poise and grace in 2011.

  1. While having a discussion in the office about something completely unrelated to Mean Girls, a bunch of us started talking about Mean Girls and then I brought up this gem. Everyone looked at me, laughed awkwardly, and we all dispersed.
  2. Convinced this guy I was sort of seeing* to stick with his plan of taking me to meet his friends after he had a complex emotional breakdown about how he “didn’t want a girlfriend,” mostly stemming from concerns about not being well-endowed (I am being completely serious). When we got there, his friends picked up on the awkward tension almost immediately and began feeding me wine, which helped on my end but it was still easily one of the most awkward situations I have ever gotten myself into. Willingly.
  3. Tweeted a countdown to the New Year while imbibing red wine at my mom’s friend’s house, and posted it at exactly 12:00 on January 1. This year, I’m going to kiss a (hopefully) handsome stranger at midnight and hope that things don’t turn out like they did with that guy from #2.
  4.  Mailed a handmade card to another guy I was sort of seeing (we actually went on dates, so it’s a little better than #2) who had stopped talking to me without an explanation. I think I thought he would magically start talking to me again, but this didn’t happen. Um. Yeah.
  5. Applied to a job posting on Mediabistro for a position I can’t actually remember the name of. They told me to write a funny cover letter, so I did. They didn’t hire me. Translation: I’m not as funny as I think I am.
  6. Retweeted a lot of @omgidothistoo‘s tweets because I was like, “Oh my god, I do this too!” (Aka: the point.)
  7. Went to a neighborhood association event across the street from my apartment with a friend who doesn’t live in my neighborhood, drank a beer without socializing with anyone but her, attempted to make eyes at some potentially cute guys across the room (it was pretty dark so I couldn’t really tell), and left after 30 minutes. Later, I complained about not knowing anyone besides the people I graduated with who stayed in town and the growing number of guys I don’t talk to anymore after dating them briefly.
  8. Traded the cashier at Panera two dollar bills for quarters while ordering lunch so I could do laundry. She was hesitant to open the register, because I paid with a card, but I think my sad puppy eyes about not having any clean clothes convinced her to make the trade.
  9. Snuck up behind my friend’s ex-boyfriend at a formal event where I already stuck out because I hardly knew anyone and covered his eyes to make him guess who I was. The result: he turned around, gave me a weird look, told me to enjoy my night, and walked away, resuming conversation with three other girls. (Yes, I also interrupted the conversation he was having. Oops.)
  10. Just went through all of my tweets from this past year to figure out all of the awkward things I did in order to complete this blog post. I feel like I’m coming up short, somehow. Happy almost new year, everyone!

*This is a loose definition, as our sad summer fling consisted of: us making out in a sketchy club in January, accidentally running into each other again in June at the same club, him booty-calling me two weekends in a row, spending 4th of July together, and him actually calling me 3 other times while he spent a month at home 2 hours away.

My Week in Bullet Points: December 29, 2011

Aside

Whenever I find that a f*ckton of random thoughts are running around my brain with reckless abandon (which is actually just as often as you might think), I want to write them down. The problem is that up until now I’ve tried to be consistent with the idea that each blog post I write must be centered around a theme (I’d rather not reveal the ridiculously high number of draft posts in my queue at the moment, born from sudden bursts of inspiration and now waiting to die a slow and painful death when the inspiration refuses to return days later.)

So, here we are. A post filled with random things that have happened to me recently, just because. This guy’s got a part 1, because I’m sure there will be more where he came from.

  • I had drinks with this one guy and gave him my number when he asked for it — but didn’t take his. Geez, what a relief. I mean, it went well — he seems like a cool guy — but pressure is totally not on me to arrange another rendezvous. Is rendezvous the word I’m looking for? I don’t think so, but it sounds cool. Cooler than “date,” anyway. Silly French words that are awesome but don’t relate to what I want to say.
  • I bought myself an iPad for Christmas, but surely not before giving my ex-boyfriend the impression that I was stalking him at his workplace (Best Buy: yes, I date winners) because I was in the store — hovering around and looking like a lost idiot — three times in a three-day period before I purchased it.
  • Some nerdy looking guy sent me a message on OkCupid that read “sorry to be direct, but do you want to hook up?” I wish there was some way that he could see me laughing hard in his face while at the same time shaking my head no and asking if that line usually works for him.
  • I discovered that a field mouse has taken up residence in the back corner of the bathroom area in my charming studio apartment. Thankfully, I have a cat. Not so thankfully, he’s quite senile — although I heard him chasing something around this morning instead of running across my face at the ungodly hour of 6:30am, meowing in my ear and demanding to be fed.
  • I started reading the Hunger Games trilogy and am not ashamed to admit that I’m hopelessly addicted to it, just like everyone else who’s read it. I mean, it beat out the final installment of the Twilight movie (the one where Bella’s a vampire and stuff, finally, which will hopefully make her less awkward and maybe the best bad movie in the bunch?) as the most anticipated movie of 2012. Not that should immediately convince you to pick up the book, but people like it better than Twilight. That should count for something, right?
  • My 93-year-old third cousin beat me at Wii bowling during family Christmas, something that I’m sure my family will never let me live down. Because my mom and dad beat me, too. Perhaps Wii bowling just isn’t my thing.

Posts you can hopefully look forward to in the near future (this is entirely dependent on how much of a Hunger Games marathon I’m involved in for the next few days):

  • A serious list of New Year’s resolutions (plus a not-so-serious list, because serious things aren’t funny)
  • My expectations for my first New Year’s Eve as an official(ly awesome) twenty-something and the reality of the whole ordeal, modeled after a post like this.
  • What I’d like to do with my life before the assumed Mayan apocalypse (but seriously, what do they know about the end of the world anyway? Why are we trusting a dead civilization?)

Thoughts: A Twenty-Something Christmas

Just a few things I’ve learned from my first real twenty-something Christmas. (The first two when I was still in college don’t count.)

  • Going home isn’t really like going home anymore. Your parents and siblings haven’t changed, but your room is all packed up and you’re only staying for a few days before it’s time to head back into the real world.
  • Gifts like food processors and panini machines make you ecstatic, because you can’t even dream about affording those things on your own. (Fancy grilled cheese, here I come.)
  • Christmas with family is so much better if you are able to modestly brag about your success in life. You have a job, a cool apartment, and a life. (Well, that last part I’m still working on.) People like to hear these things. You like to tell them. It all works out.
  • Midnight mass on Christmas Eve goes past your pathetic bedtime, so you actually have to exert effort to stay awake during the service.
  • Gone are the days where you’d sit at the top of the stairs for 2 hours anxiously awaiting for 8am when mom and dad will let you tear open your presents. Instead, you sleep in until 8. Or later. And you open your presents slowly and neatly, without reckless abandon — but also without making a mess.
  • You’ll try to make time to see high school friends, but you’ll start to realize that you’ve drifted apart from most people in your hometown, because your life is somewhere else now. Acknowledge it, accept it, figure out if you want to deal with it, and then move on.
  • If your parents don’t bring it up first, don’t worry. Your relatives will ask you about your dating life. (You already know from this blog that mine isn’t exactly peachy — but that just makes for better stories.)

Other twenty-somethings: what’s changed about the holidays for you compared to your childhood?

Should I text him? (No, probably not.)

Credit: Becca Clason

I hate texting men. Why? Men either:

a) Suck at texting. If you send them a text at 3pm on a Saturday to make plans (a perfectly reasonable time — they should be awake by then) they don’t reply until 8pm, at which point you’ve resigned to staying in with a bottle of wine, a movie, and possibly a girlfriend or two to over-analyze why he sucks at texting you back.

b) Miraculously don’t suck at texting. If only I could meet a man who is attached to his phone as much as I am…

c) Annoy the shit out of you with their text messages, no matter how frequent or infrequent. (See: Texts from Bennett, although not quite as ridden with grammatical, spelling, and cultural errors.)

Regardless: I usually go out with guys who seriously don’t know how to operate a phone, so I’m normally the one who ends up initiating the text conversation. Thus, the helpfulness of this well-designed flowchart. I have a few rules to keep my texting habits in check, mostly so I don’t freak the guy out — but also to keep myself sane.

  1. If you want to guarantee a response, ask a question at the end of the text. That’s the last thing he’ll see, and if he’s not a total jerkface, he’ll feel somewhat obligated to respond. Level of crazy (1-5): 1. New questions are what keep the conversation flowing, unless you’re asking “where are you?” and “what are you doing?” and “are you sure you can’t hang out tonight? :(“
  2. Two texts in a row are acceptable, but only when you’re either: a) clarifying information that may have been misunderstood in a previous text, b) trying to make plans, or c) texting him again after a 24-hour period has passed. Three texts in a row, sent in a 24-hour period without any response from him, are absolutely unacceptable. Level of crazy: 3. I’ve had issues with being clingy in the past, so this rule might be a little strict.
  3. If he’s taking awhile to respond in between texts, do the same — he’s making you wait, so he can wait too. Level of crazy: 1. It’s not crazy. It’s called not being an eager beaver.

So, I have my rules. Thankfully, it means I’ve never been this girl. Ladies, I want to hear from you: do you make yourself follow any rules when texting a new guy or does anything go?

5 Unrealistic Things I Would Like For Christmas

While ignoring the rampant greediness and excessive consumerism that surrounds this now highly over-commercialized religious holiday (I saw a truck with a bumper sticker a few weeks ago that read: “Jesus is the reason for the season” and while I know that it’s a serious thing, I definitely snickered a little), I’m going to list a few things that I’d like for Christmas, but are indefinitely unattainable.

You know how money can’t buy happiness? Well, it certainly can’t buy these things either.

1. The ability to pull off a haircut like Ginnifer Goodwin in Once Upon a Time

She is seriously the cutest person ever. (Credit: imdb.com)

2. A highly successful blog that I can turn into a book someday so it only takes me 5 years (tops) to pay back my student loans

Note: I'm nowhere near as cool as this lady. (Credit: chromoz.com)

3. A job that’s all, “Sure! I’ll give you awesome health insurance and a salary, no problem!”

Or just to look like Joan Holloway (Christina Hendricks) from Mad Men, because apparently every man ever is obsessed with her. (Credit: moviemail-online.co.uk)

4. For leering 40-year-old men to not tap my ass when I go to the club

5. For the makers of Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve to make another ridiculous movie about an overly celebrated holiday (like Cinco de Mayo?)