Things You Really Shouldn’t Say to the Person You Just Started Dating

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  • “I wish I would have met you a week ago… before I signed up for match.com…”
  • (One week later) “So… I deleted my match.com account.”
  • “You should really just date my friend… I mean, he is single. And he works downtown.”
  • “Do you ever have any Michael Jackson fantasies? (Said during a make-out sesh while wearing Michael Jackson’s jacket from the Thriller music video — yes, that happened)
  • “I can’t tell if you’re crazy or really awesome.”
  • “I know I’ve only hung out with you twice, but you know more about me than most people find out in a year.”
  • (First date) “Want to come camping with me and my friends in 3 weeks?”
  • (Second date) “I think I’m falling in love with you.” — from dollm

This post is reader-friendly! What kinds of ridiculous things have you heard come out of your new lover’s mouth? I’ll add them to the list and link back to your blog.

Sh*t 22-Year-Olds Say

Note: This is still a work in progress, as obviously I can’t speak for every 22-year-old. Have a suggestion? Post it in the comments.

— “Wait, they’re engaged? No way!”

— (After a night out) “I’m never drinking again.”

— (The next weekend) “Hey, are we going out this weekend?”

— “F%*k, student loan payments.”

— “Omigod, can you believe how young we looked freshman year?””

— “Hey, he’s pretty cute! … Nope. Just kidding. Married.”

A Non-Exhaustive List of My First World Problems

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Disclaimer: This post is meant to be funny; I’m being sarcastic, not insensitive. For those of you that don’t understand the premise of the funny-but-maybe-not-so-funny joke “first-world problems” — I suggest you take a look at this first. That being said, the gist goes a bit like this: I have a lot of things that I can complain about, but they’re so minor in the grand scheme of things that they can only be classified as first-world problems.

  • My hair stylist says I can’t wash my hair every day or my hair color will fade faster, but I feel gross if I don’t take a shower every morning.
  • I was making something with caramelized onions last night and it took me 10 minutes to peel the skin off of my crappy looking onion. All of the good-looking onions at the grocery store were taken.
  • I spent more money for the extra shot in my latte this morning, but it’s not doing anything to wake me up.
  • I get no less than 3 emails from Williams-Sonoma a day, sometimes at 3 in the morning. What the f*ck is Williams-Sonoma, anyway? I don’t remember ever signing up for emails from them. Get out of my inbox.
  • If I walk away from my laptop for 5 minutes, my cat sits on the keyboard and I can’t use it until he moves, which he won’t because he’s grumpy and senile.
  • They upped the prices in the vending machine at work, so now I have to pay a full $2 for a candy bar and a soda instead of $1.60.
  • The PC keyboard I use at work is really clunky and makes it difficult for me to type things. Mac keyboards are just so much more user-friendly.
  • I got a blackberry right after they stopped being cool and now I’m stuck with it forever*
  • The grocery store only sells pine nuts in a tiny bottle that’s really expensive because it’s imported from Italy.
  • I should probably work out today, but I showered this morning.
  • I’m a vegetarian but I don’t really like vegetables.
  • The dating website that I signed up for seriously needs a web redesign. I mean, it looks like someone in high school made it.
  • One of my best friends has to try three separate times to call me on Skype, including restarting her computer, otherwise her video doesn’t work.
  • I pay $5 a month for a Spotify subscription so I don’t have to listen to ads, but I have music ADD and skip a majority of the songs in my playlists, so it’s really not worth my money.
  • The kitchen in my studio apartment doesn’t have a dishwasher, so there are always dirty dishes in my sink because I never feel like washing all of them at once.

*Dad: Consider this my first of many attempts to cajole you into letting me buy an iPhone when you renew the family phone plan.

My Week in Bullet Points: January 13, 2012

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My life motto.

So, pretty much every time I sit down to blog I’m like, wow. Nothing interesting has happened to me lately. I need to do more interesting things. I think if more interesting things happened, I’d blog more. It’s a vicious cycle, really. Anyway, the lack of posts this week can actually be attributed to a slight cold that I’ve had that just makes me want to sleep all the time. Literally, the past few days have gone like this: I come home from work and take two hour naps, from which I wake up completely disoriented and then after putzing around for another two hours, I return to bed. It’s just been one of those weeks. But today, I took Sudafed, and now I feel like I can do anything! (Seriously.) Everything in my brain is going a hundred miles a minute and my phalanges are tingly, like I have to type a really awesome blog post and I have to do it right this second.

But then, I arrive back at the problem re: I don’t do anything interesting ever. So now we’re here. My week, in bullet points:

  • I got a French manicure from a racist Vietnamese man. This one is definitely odd. I was getting my nails done by this Vietnamese guy (side note: getting my nails done by a guy always makes me slightly uncomfortable for some reason) who just sat there conversing in Vietnamese to the guy behind him the whole time. At some point, they briefly switched to English and the conversation went something like this. Guy #1: You know why they call it French manicure, hahaha? Guy #2: Ah, the white tips, all white! Guy #1: Yeah, what do you call nails with black tips? Guy #2: African manicure! Guy #1: Yes, yes, and Vietnamese manicure one with yellow tips. And Indian manicure! Red tips! (And here’s me, just sitting there quite uncomfortably and trying to decide whether to look horrified or just plain confused.)
  • After finishing the Hunger Games, I don’t know what to read. Quick solution to that problem: I tweeted on Monday asking if there would be any interest in starting a twenty-something book club, and I’m now in the process of coordinating our first meeting (more than 10 people are interested! This sort of reminds me of how I was really Internet popular when I started a Facebook group for my incoming college freshman class at school and everyone knew my name and/or face before I even got there.)
  • I tested my dependence on caffeine, and ultimately failed. Miserably. Like, I usually come into work armed with a large latte or just straight coffee (for the days that I really can’t wake up) but on Tuesday, in a feeble attempt to fight off the cold I felt coming on, I settled on tea. Then, I discovered I had some caffeine free tea in my kitchen (courtesy of my former roommate) and I proceeded to drink 3 mugs each on Wednesday and Thursday. Whenever I realize that I’ve gone without caffeine for a day or two, I always think: well, hey! I can do that for a few more days and ultimately wean myself off of it. And I try, but I always fail. I ordered a latte this morning. So much for that, right? Maybe next time.

My Week in Bullet Points: January 6, 2012

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From my Hunger Games marathon (no, I still haven’t actually finished the series) to my drunken debauchery on New Year’s Eve to my absolute lack of motivation to make an actual list of New Year’s resolutions (I’m already 6 days late, so why start now?), I haven’t really felt like seriously blogging. So, here we are: the second installment of the “I really don’t feel like blogging but I guess I can just tell you some random things that have been happening lately” post.

  • My New Year’s Eve was awful. I mean, I’m no stranger to a bad night out (being that crying girl in the bar happens to the best of us at least once… sometimes twice) but I drank way too much champagne, sent a text message to someone I probably shouldn’t have (which made it all the more confusing when he replied), didn’t get kissed at midnight (but later ended up making out with some guy named Will who was awful at kissing), almost wasn’t able to get a friend home after she attempted to pass out in her own puke, and took a $30 cab ride home by myself (after the cab driver informed me his credit card machine wasn’t working, so we’d have to stop at an ATM.) Never again will I insist that watching the ball drop on TV with my family, a few friends, and a glass of wine is overrated. How was your New Year’s Eve?
  • I finally decided to actively attempt to move on from a failed dating experience, but I’m still not convinced that I’m doing it properly, mostly because I refuse to do anything that makes sense to anyone, especially me. And I change my mind a lot. And I still like him. It’s the worst situation in every way possible.
  • I just realized that I’ve had more dating success online than by meeting guys the conventional way. Cool, I guess. Also, sort of related, dating is exhausting. I’m no longer thrilled by the prospect of having to go to dinner with an almost stranger, smile at his jokes even if I’m not sure what they mean, anticipate that he may or may not suck at conversation, and figure out whether I want to kiss him goodnight or if that would just be leading him on. Also, I don’t know what I want. Ever.

I honestly don’t have much else to say, but I needed to get some kind of post out there to start off 2012 so this blog wouldn’t disappear into nothingness like all of my others. Literally, this is the first time I’ve not been completely awful at blogging. There. That’s a good new year’s resolution.