A Small Rant About Texting

I’m not the biggest fan of texting. Usually, because guys either don’t text me enough or they text me too much (appropriate to make a Goldilocks joke about my texting expectations?) But right now, it’s because this conversation just happened:

Guy whose number I don’t have*: Hey, long time, no talk

Me: (panic panic panic who is that?)

Me: Sorry, who is this again? I don’t have your number in my phone :/ (Sideways frown will certainly indicate that I truly am sorry I have deleted whoever’s number this is!)

GWNIDH: Haha I figured, it’s one of the guys from OkCupid you talked to awhile back. I can stop texting you if you want.

Me: Yeah, that’s probably best. Sorry. (What I actually wanted to say: You’re kidding me, right? We haven’t spoken for a month and a half, you know that I deleted your number, and you still think I want you to text me? Jesus. Nope.)

*We messaged back and forth for a bit, and he was like text me and we can be friends! I was at a really low point in my dating life so I obliged, and then he proceeded to text me incessantly for days until I just started ignoring him. I’m serious, he was pestering the shit out of me. After a week of not speaking, I assumed he got the message and I eventually deleted his number.

Clearly, we’re not on the same page.

Also, I’ve gotten messages from people that are like “do you have a phone number?” and “can you text?”

My smart-ass responses:

1. Yes, I have a phone number. You could actually ask me for it instead of being passive aggressive about it because I hate when people are passive aggressive.

2. Yes, I am physically able to text. I don’t like it, but I am physically able to do so, although I’m not sure why you’re asking me this. Please elaborate further.

Most of these related articles aren’t actually related, either. They just look funny.

Overanalyzing Interactions With My Ex On Facebook

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Why did he like what I just posted on Facebook?

He still has a thing for me. I mean, I’m funny. He obviously still thinks so, otherwise he wouldn’t “like” things that I post on Facebook. You like things on Facebook because you think they’re funny, so why would there be any other reason for him doing it? Please. I’m so over him. I can’t believe he doesn’t see that.

Rational answer: Because you’re still Facebook friends at this point, it means you’re 100% in the friend zone. Note: this isn’t the same as being friends. A good IRL (in real life) comparison would be a slight head nod in your direction if you happen to be in the same venue or establishment, something like friendly acknowledgement. It’s not a big deal.

Are those song lyrics in his status about me?

Well, who else could they be about? Song lyrics are the most passive agressive way to share complicated emotions with little to no effort at all, because the song’s artist has already done that for you! Let’s review a few, shall we?*

“I dig my head down deep / So I can’t hear the cars / Outside on the street /And the stars are laughing / They get a kick out of my misery” (Lyrics from Insomniac by Billy Pilgrim mean he’s clearly depressed)

“And all at once the crowd begins to sing / sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same” (Lyrics from All At Once by The Fray indicate a large amount of maturity on his end with which he realizes that your break-up isn’t easy but it’s definitely the right thing to)

Alternatively, he could post a link to Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” after not talking to you for a week and let you stew about that for awhile because it’s your favorite goddamn poem too.

Rational answer: First of all, if your ex-beau is putting up emotional (or otherwise) song lyrics as his status, there’s a reason you’re not dating anymore. Second of all, who cares? Hit the unsubscribe button on his page or un-friend him, for the love of Pete. If he wants to be publicly emo about whatever happened between you two, then let him annoy his 200 other Facebook friends with that crap. Not you. Never you.

*These are all real-life examples from yours truly

Why did he keep pictures of us together still tagged?

He’s clearly still pining over me because he can’t bear to not look at pictures of us together. I mean, to each his own, but it’s not like I sit on Facebook all day looking at pictures of us together. That would be so immature and a huge waste of time. I have better things to do, like eat a whole fucking pint of Ben & Jerry’s and watch The Notebook while bawling my eyes out.

Rational answer: Because it’s too much of an effort to untag them, and he wants your split to remain as civilized as possible in the social media world. The IRL version of untagging “couple” pictures right after a breakup would be similar to ripping actual pictures of you two in half.

…I’ve done that.

Why did he untag pictures of us together?

Obviously, seeing pictures of us together makes him upset and he wants nothing to do with them anymore. Poor guy.

Rational answer: Actually, this is probably pretty accurate.

Why is he only online for a few minutes at a time?

He logs on to see if I’ve posted anything new and when he sees I’m sitting on chat (which, by the way, I do without the expectation that he’ll talk to me) he signs off because he’s obviously too scared that I’ll say something. He’s likely at home, wallowing in self-pity about how we broke up/don’t speak anymore and can’t bear the thought of looking at how happy I am. Or just seeing my name in general, even if just for a minute or two.

Rational answer: 1. He has a life 2. You don’t, clearly 3. He really just wants to ignore you and is doing this in the most mature way possible while still going about his daily business of logging into social media. I mean, really. Get it together, girl.

Why did he like my new “in a relationship” status?

He’s trying to show me that he’s happy for me, when he’s really regretting his decision to break up with me and/or never speak to me again. He needs to stop kidding himself. He’s jealous, and wants to let me know. Men always want what they can’t have, i.e. me because I’ve finally moved on and am dating someone else.

Rational answer: Because he’s glad you’re finally happy with someone else and no longer obsessing over his every move on Facebook, you crazy bitch.

The Implications of De-Friending Someone on Facebook

Gosh, you know what I’ve started to realize? Facebook (also, the Internet in general) makes interpersonal relationships so damn difficult. It’s a double-edged sword, really, giving you easy access to basically everyone you’ve ever met (even the people you haven’t) but there’s some stupid algorithm that (I’m guessing) is used to determine “important” people you’re connected to on Facebook.

Yes. I am referring to this one guy (the one I’m trying to get over) who I mentioned in another recent post. Back in October, we went on a few dates. Things were going well. At least, I thought they were—until he dropped off the face of the earth. Since that’s happened, my emotions have been a sort of roller coaster (this can also be considered an open apology to my friends for talking about it waaay too much). I’m finally getting over it, which is good, but Facebook is constantly testing my resolve because it’s placed him in the “people I want to chat with” column for god knows what reason. “Simple solution,” I know you’re thinking, “why don’t you just de-friend him on Facebook?” No. And here’s why. I reserve de-friending only for the people that:

  1. I absolutely loathe and have no interest in talking to ever again
  2. I am extremely pissed off with over a long period of time (could be related to #1, but almost never happens)
  3. Post pointless status updates in high, intolerable quantities (i.e. more than 6 a day that chronicle an hour-by-hour account of your day)
  4. I friended in high school and college but don’t talk to, this can be enhanced by any of the above

Besides, Facebook gives you the option to unsubscribe to people’s updates, so that automatically rules out #3 as a valid reason to de-friend someone. I just think that de-friending someone is harsh, like… there are plenty of people that I’m connected with through social media that I don’t talk to anymore, but I haven’t de-friended them. The point of social media is to be connected to a network of people, and if you delete everyone that you stopped talking to at one point or another, you wouldn’t have a wide network. And, anyway, he didn’t de-friend me. So I’m not going to be the one to do it. That would make everything all official and pronounced and weird, especially if I ever run into him again. See? I told you I don’t make sense. (I did do the unsubscribe thing, though. So that should hopefully help a little.)