Can we please make a movie called SHE’S Just Not That Into You — and make every dude watch it?

Clingy girls were put to shame (myself included, yikes) when the movie He’s Just Not That Into You came out a few years ago. Thanks to the lovely Ginnifer Goodwin’s character in that movie (also hopefully thanks to obvious social cues), most girls understand that when a guy doesn’t text or call them back, it means they’re really not that interested.

Unfortunately, there is no such public manual for clueless dudes.

When I ignore text messages — and I really don’t do this all that often — it never sends the message that a dude should back off, because they keep texting me. Any self-respecting girl (hi, that’s me — hopefully you too) would not text a guy more than three times in a row without a response. Thus, it baffles me when my inbox from Date #3 (yes, awful date #3) looks like this:

Monday evening: Hi

Tuesday evening: Hey

Wednesday evening: How was your concert yesterday? Continue reading

Overanalyzing Interactions With My Ex On Facebook

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Why did he like what I just posted on Facebook?

He still has a thing for me. I mean, I’m funny. He obviously still thinks so, otherwise he wouldn’t “like” things that I post on Facebook. You like things on Facebook because you think they’re funny, so why would there be any other reason for him doing it? Please. I’m so over him. I can’t believe he doesn’t see that.

Rational answer: Because you’re still Facebook friends at this point, it means you’re 100% in the friend zone. Note: this isn’t the same as being friends. A good IRL (in real life) comparison would be a slight head nod in your direction if you happen to be in the same venue or establishment, something like friendly acknowledgement. It’s not a big deal.

Are those song lyrics in his status about me?

Well, who else could they be about? Song lyrics are the most passive agressive way to share complicated emotions with little to no effort at all, because the song’s artist has already done that for you! Let’s review a few, shall we?*

“I dig my head down deep / So I can’t hear the cars / Outside on the street /And the stars are laughing / They get a kick out of my misery” (Lyrics from Insomniac by Billy Pilgrim mean he’s clearly depressed)

“And all at once the crowd begins to sing / sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same” (Lyrics from All At Once by The Fray indicate a large amount of maturity on his end with which he realizes that your break-up isn’t easy but it’s definitely the right thing to)

Alternatively, he could post a link to Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” after not talking to you for a week and let you stew about that for awhile because it’s your favorite goddamn poem too.

Rational answer: First of all, if your ex-beau is putting up emotional (or otherwise) song lyrics as his status, there’s a reason you’re not dating anymore. Second of all, who cares? Hit the unsubscribe button on his page or un-friend him, for the love of Pete. If he wants to be publicly emo about whatever happened between you two, then let him annoy his 200 other Facebook friends with that crap. Not you. Never you.

*These are all real-life examples from yours truly

Why did he keep pictures of us together still tagged?

He’s clearly still pining over me because he can’t bear to not look at pictures of us together. I mean, to each his own, but it’s not like I sit on Facebook all day looking at pictures of us together. That would be so immature and a huge waste of time. I have better things to do, like eat a whole fucking pint of Ben & Jerry’s and watch The Notebook while bawling my eyes out.

Rational answer: Because it’s too much of an effort to untag them, and he wants your split to remain as civilized as possible in the social media world. The IRL version of untagging “couple” pictures right after a breakup would be similar to ripping actual pictures of you two in half.

…I’ve done that.

Why did he untag pictures of us together?

Obviously, seeing pictures of us together makes him upset and he wants nothing to do with them anymore. Poor guy.

Rational answer: Actually, this is probably pretty accurate.

Why is he only online for a few minutes at a time?

He logs on to see if I’ve posted anything new and when he sees I’m sitting on chat (which, by the way, I do without the expectation that he’ll talk to me) he signs off because he’s obviously too scared that I’ll say something. He’s likely at home, wallowing in self-pity about how we broke up/don’t speak anymore and can’t bear the thought of looking at how happy I am. Or just seeing my name in general, even if just for a minute or two.

Rational answer: 1. He has a life 2. You don’t, clearly 3. He really just wants to ignore you and is doing this in the most mature way possible while still going about his daily business of logging into social media. I mean, really. Get it together, girl.

Why did he like my new “in a relationship” status?

He’s trying to show me that he’s happy for me, when he’s really regretting his decision to break up with me and/or never speak to me again. He needs to stop kidding himself. He’s jealous, and wants to let me know. Men always want what they can’t have, i.e. me because I’ve finally moved on and am dating someone else.

Rational answer: Because he’s glad you’re finally happy with someone else and no longer obsessing over his every move on Facebook, you crazy bitch.

The Implications of De-Friending Someone on Facebook

Gosh, you know what I’ve started to realize? Facebook (also, the Internet in general) makes interpersonal relationships so damn difficult. It’s a double-edged sword, really, giving you easy access to basically everyone you’ve ever met (even the people you haven’t) but there’s some stupid algorithm that (I’m guessing) is used to determine “important” people you’re connected to on Facebook.

Yes. I am referring to this one guy (the one I’m trying to get over) who I mentioned in another recent post. Back in October, we went on a few dates. Things were going well. At least, I thought they were—until he dropped off the face of the earth. Since that’s happened, my emotions have been a sort of roller coaster (this can also be considered an open apology to my friends for talking about it waaay too much). I’m finally getting over it, which is good, but Facebook is constantly testing my resolve because it’s placed him in the “people I want to chat with” column for god knows what reason. “Simple solution,” I know you’re thinking, “why don’t you just de-friend him on Facebook?” No. And here’s why. I reserve de-friending only for the people that:

  1. I absolutely loathe and have no interest in talking to ever again
  2. I am extremely pissed off with over a long period of time (could be related to #1, but almost never happens)
  3. Post pointless status updates in high, intolerable quantities (i.e. more than 6 a day that chronicle an hour-by-hour account of your day)
  4. I friended in high school and college but don’t talk to, this can be enhanced by any of the above

Besides, Facebook gives you the option to unsubscribe to people’s updates, so that automatically rules out #3 as a valid reason to de-friend someone. I just think that de-friending someone is harsh, like… there are plenty of people that I’m connected with through social media that I don’t talk to anymore, but I haven’t de-friended them. The point of social media is to be connected to a network of people, and if you delete everyone that you stopped talking to at one point or another, you wouldn’t have a wide network. And, anyway, he didn’t de-friend me. So I’m not going to be the one to do it. That would make everything all official and pronounced and weird, especially if I ever run into him again. See? I told you I don’t make sense. (I did do the unsubscribe thing, though. So that should hopefully help a little.)

My Week in Bullet Points: January 6, 2012

Aside

From my Hunger Games marathon (no, I still haven’t actually finished the series) to my drunken debauchery on New Year’s Eve to my absolute lack of motivation to make an actual list of New Year’s resolutions (I’m already 6 days late, so why start now?), I haven’t really felt like seriously blogging. So, here we are: the second installment of the “I really don’t feel like blogging but I guess I can just tell you some random things that have been happening lately” post.

  • My New Year’s Eve was awful. I mean, I’m no stranger to a bad night out (being that crying girl in the bar happens to the best of us at least once… sometimes twice) but I drank way too much champagne, sent a text message to someone I probably shouldn’t have (which made it all the more confusing when he replied), didn’t get kissed at midnight (but later ended up making out with some guy named Will who was awful at kissing), almost wasn’t able to get a friend home after she attempted to pass out in her own puke, and took a $30 cab ride home by myself (after the cab driver informed me his credit card machine wasn’t working, so we’d have to stop at an ATM.) Never again will I insist that watching the ball drop on TV with my family, a few friends, and a glass of wine is overrated. How was your New Year’s Eve?
  • I finally decided to actively attempt to move on from a failed dating experience, but I’m still not convinced that I’m doing it properly, mostly because I refuse to do anything that makes sense to anyone, especially me. And I change my mind a lot. And I still like him. It’s the worst situation in every way possible.
  • I just realized that I’ve had more dating success online than by meeting guys the conventional way. Cool, I guess. Also, sort of related, dating is exhausting. I’m no longer thrilled by the prospect of having to go to dinner with an almost stranger, smile at his jokes even if I’m not sure what they mean, anticipate that he may or may not suck at conversation, and figure out whether I want to kiss him goodnight or if that would just be leading him on. Also, I don’t know what I want. Ever.

I honestly don’t have much else to say, but I needed to get some kind of post out there to start off 2012 so this blog wouldn’t disappear into nothingness like all of my others. Literally, this is the first time I’ve not been completely awful at blogging. There. That’s a good new year’s resolution.

A Brief List of Some Awkward Things I Did in 2011

Before entering a new, fresh year with a clean slate, it’s always good to reflect on the past year. Since I’m an awkward person, here are the awkward things (well, the ones I can remember) that I did with such poise and grace in 2011.

  1. While having a discussion in the office about something completely unrelated to Mean Girls, a bunch of us started talking about Mean Girls and then I brought up this gem. Everyone looked at me, laughed awkwardly, and we all dispersed.
  2. Convinced this guy I was sort of seeing* to stick with his plan of taking me to meet his friends after he had a complex emotional breakdown about how he “didn’t want a girlfriend,” mostly stemming from concerns about not being well-endowed (I am being completely serious). When we got there, his friends picked up on the awkward tension almost immediately and began feeding me wine, which helped on my end but it was still easily one of the most awkward situations I have ever gotten myself into. Willingly.
  3. Tweeted a countdown to the New Year while imbibing red wine at my mom’s friend’s house, and posted it at exactly 12:00 on January 1. This year, I’m going to kiss a (hopefully) handsome stranger at midnight and hope that things don’t turn out like they did with that guy from #2.
  4.  Mailed a handmade card to another guy I was sort of seeing (we actually went on dates, so it’s a little better than #2) who had stopped talking to me without an explanation. I think I thought he would magically start talking to me again, but this didn’t happen. Um. Yeah.
  5. Applied to a job posting on Mediabistro for a position I can’t actually remember the name of. They told me to write a funny cover letter, so I did. They didn’t hire me. Translation: I’m not as funny as I think I am.
  6. Retweeted a lot of @omgidothistoo‘s tweets because I was like, “Oh my god, I do this too!” (Aka: the point.)
  7. Went to a neighborhood association event across the street from my apartment with a friend who doesn’t live in my neighborhood, drank a beer without socializing with anyone but her, attempted to make eyes at some potentially cute guys across the room (it was pretty dark so I couldn’t really tell), and left after 30 minutes. Later, I complained about not knowing anyone besides the people I graduated with who stayed in town and the growing number of guys I don’t talk to anymore after dating them briefly.
  8. Traded the cashier at Panera two dollar bills for quarters while ordering lunch so I could do laundry. She was hesitant to open the register, because I paid with a card, but I think my sad puppy eyes about not having any clean clothes convinced her to make the trade.
  9. Snuck up behind my friend’s ex-boyfriend at a formal event where I already stuck out because I hardly knew anyone and covered his eyes to make him guess who I was. The result: he turned around, gave me a weird look, told me to enjoy my night, and walked away, resuming conversation with three other girls. (Yes, I also interrupted the conversation he was having. Oops.)
  10. Just went through all of my tweets from this past year to figure out all of the awkward things I did in order to complete this blog post. I feel like I’m coming up short, somehow. Happy almost new year, everyone!

*This is a loose definition, as our sad summer fling consisted of: us making out in a sketchy club in January, accidentally running into each other again in June at the same club, him booty-calling me two weekends in a row, spending 4th of July together, and him actually calling me 3 other times while he spent a month at home 2 hours away.