Valentine’s Day, Schm-alentine’s Day

Since everyone in relationships is either stressing about what to do for their significant other and everyone who’s single is drinking wine out of the bottle and crying about their lack of love life over a heart-shape box of chocolates, I would just like to say one thing: I don’t give a fuck. Really, I don’t. Today is Tuesday, and that doesn’t mean people love you any more or any less than they did on Monday or they will on Wednesday. Being a Valentine’s Day hater produces so much negative energy that it’s simply not worth it. So what if last February 14th you had a wonderful guy who brought you flowers and took you out to dinner and did everything right? I mean, if he was so wonderful, he’d still be around. And if you spend today dwelling on all of your past failed relationships, you’re going to be miserable. There’s no need for that.

Here are some things you should do on Valentine’s Day, regardless of whether you’re attached to someone romantically or not:

  • Call your mom and tell her you love her, like you do every other ordinary day
  • Have a sexy rumpus with someone who smells nice (if you’re attached, buy your person some awesome cologne to ensure this happens)
  • Send a Valentine’s Day card to your BFF
  • Buy a box of conversation hearts and pretend each one is complimenting you as you eat it (or just get a bunch of free ones from the intern who sits in your cube and enjoy them just as much)
  • Go on a second date with someone awesome (yeah, did I forget to mention this is happening?)
  • Dress sexy so even if you don’t feel like you are, other people will notice — and compliment you!

Happy Tuesday, folks!

Extremely Awkward and Highly Unimpressed: Not Just First Date Jitters

Hey guys, guess what? I went on three first dates this weekend (and not just because I’m like Drew Barrymore in that movie where she’s always going on first dates with this guy because she has short-term memory loss… never mind.) After a couple of months of doing the online thing, I’ve gone on more dates than I ever thought I would. I like meeting new people, at least that’s what I keep telling myself, and lately I’ve gotten a lot more lax about who I agree to meet. If a guy’s decent looking, appears to be able to hold a conversation, and we have some stuff in common, I’ll go for it.

Usually, I insist on meeting and talking over a cup of coffee (because I can hide behind it if things are awkward) or drinks (because I’m always less inhibited — and sometimes just straight up honest — when I’m tipsy), and that’s gone fairly well for me so far, although they’ve all had their awkward moments. Honestly, I’d never been on a first date that I deemed to be absolutely awful… until last night. Continue reading

Overanalyzing Interactions With My Ex On Facebook

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Why did he like what I just posted on Facebook?

He still has a thing for me. I mean, I’m funny. He obviously still thinks so, otherwise he wouldn’t “like” things that I post on Facebook. You like things on Facebook because you think they’re funny, so why would there be any other reason for him doing it? Please. I’m so over him. I can’t believe he doesn’t see that.

Rational answer: Because you’re still Facebook friends at this point, it means you’re 100% in the friend zone. Note: this isn’t the same as being friends. A good IRL (in real life) comparison would be a slight head nod in your direction if you happen to be in the same venue or establishment, something like friendly acknowledgement. It’s not a big deal.

Are those song lyrics in his status about me?

Well, who else could they be about? Song lyrics are the most passive agressive way to share complicated emotions with little to no effort at all, because the song’s artist has already done that for you! Let’s review a few, shall we?*

“I dig my head down deep / So I can’t hear the cars / Outside on the street /And the stars are laughing / They get a kick out of my misery” (Lyrics from Insomniac by Billy Pilgrim mean he’s clearly depressed)

“And all at once the crowd begins to sing / sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same” (Lyrics from All At Once by The Fray indicate a large amount of maturity on his end with which he realizes that your break-up isn’t easy but it’s definitely the right thing to)

Alternatively, he could post a link to Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” after not talking to you for a week and let you stew about that for awhile because it’s your favorite goddamn poem too.

Rational answer: First of all, if your ex-beau is putting up emotional (or otherwise) song lyrics as his status, there’s a reason you’re not dating anymore. Second of all, who cares? Hit the unsubscribe button on his page or un-friend him, for the love of Pete. If he wants to be publicly emo about whatever happened between you two, then let him annoy his 200 other Facebook friends with that crap. Not you. Never you.

*These are all real-life examples from yours truly

Why did he keep pictures of us together still tagged?

He’s clearly still pining over me because he can’t bear to not look at pictures of us together. I mean, to each his own, but it’s not like I sit on Facebook all day looking at pictures of us together. That would be so immature and a huge waste of time. I have better things to do, like eat a whole fucking pint of Ben & Jerry’s and watch The Notebook while bawling my eyes out.

Rational answer: Because it’s too much of an effort to untag them, and he wants your split to remain as civilized as possible in the social media world. The IRL version of untagging “couple” pictures right after a breakup would be similar to ripping actual pictures of you two in half.

…I’ve done that.

Why did he untag pictures of us together?

Obviously, seeing pictures of us together makes him upset and he wants nothing to do with them anymore. Poor guy.

Rational answer: Actually, this is probably pretty accurate.

Why is he only online for a few minutes at a time?

He logs on to see if I’ve posted anything new and when he sees I’m sitting on chat (which, by the way, I do without the expectation that he’ll talk to me) he signs off because he’s obviously too scared that I’ll say something. He’s likely at home, wallowing in self-pity about how we broke up/don’t speak anymore and can’t bear the thought of looking at how happy I am. Or just seeing my name in general, even if just for a minute or two.

Rational answer: 1. He has a life 2. You don’t, clearly 3. He really just wants to ignore you and is doing this in the most mature way possible while still going about his daily business of logging into social media. I mean, really. Get it together, girl.

Why did he like my new “in a relationship” status?

He’s trying to show me that he’s happy for me, when he’s really regretting his decision to break up with me and/or never speak to me again. He needs to stop kidding himself. He’s jealous, and wants to let me know. Men always want what they can’t have, i.e. me because I’ve finally moved on and am dating someone else.

Rational answer: Because he’s glad you’re finally happy with someone else and no longer obsessing over his every move on Facebook, you crazy bitch.

A Brief List of Some Awkward Things I Did in 2011

Before entering a new, fresh year with a clean slate, it’s always good to reflect on the past year. Since I’m an awkward person, here are the awkward things (well, the ones I can remember) that I did with such poise and grace in 2011.

  1. While having a discussion in the office about something completely unrelated to Mean Girls, a bunch of us started talking about Mean Girls and then I brought up this gem. Everyone looked at me, laughed awkwardly, and we all dispersed.
  2. Convinced this guy I was sort of seeing* to stick with his plan of taking me to meet his friends after he had a complex emotional breakdown about how he “didn’t want a girlfriend,” mostly stemming from concerns about not being well-endowed (I am being completely serious). When we got there, his friends picked up on the awkward tension almost immediately and began feeding me wine, which helped on my end but it was still easily one of the most awkward situations I have ever gotten myself into. Willingly.
  3. Tweeted a countdown to the New Year while imbibing red wine at my mom’s friend’s house, and posted it at exactly 12:00 on January 1. This year, I’m going to kiss a (hopefully) handsome stranger at midnight and hope that things don’t turn out like they did with that guy from #2.
  4.  Mailed a handmade card to another guy I was sort of seeing (we actually went on dates, so it’s a little better than #2) who had stopped talking to me without an explanation. I think I thought he would magically start talking to me again, but this didn’t happen. Um. Yeah.
  5. Applied to a job posting on Mediabistro for a position I can’t actually remember the name of. They told me to write a funny cover letter, so I did. They didn’t hire me. Translation: I’m not as funny as I think I am.
  6. Retweeted a lot of @omgidothistoo‘s tweets because I was like, “Oh my god, I do this too!” (Aka: the point.)
  7. Went to a neighborhood association event across the street from my apartment with a friend who doesn’t live in my neighborhood, drank a beer without socializing with anyone but her, attempted to make eyes at some potentially cute guys across the room (it was pretty dark so I couldn’t really tell), and left after 30 minutes. Later, I complained about not knowing anyone besides the people I graduated with who stayed in town and the growing number of guys I don’t talk to anymore after dating them briefly.
  8. Traded the cashier at Panera two dollar bills for quarters while ordering lunch so I could do laundry. She was hesitant to open the register, because I paid with a card, but I think my sad puppy eyes about not having any clean clothes convinced her to make the trade.
  9. Snuck up behind my friend’s ex-boyfriend at a formal event where I already stuck out because I hardly knew anyone and covered his eyes to make him guess who I was. The result: he turned around, gave me a weird look, told me to enjoy my night, and walked away, resuming conversation with three other girls. (Yes, I also interrupted the conversation he was having. Oops.)
  10. Just went through all of my tweets from this past year to figure out all of the awkward things I did in order to complete this blog post. I feel like I’m coming up short, somehow. Happy almost new year, everyone!

*This is a loose definition, as our sad summer fling consisted of: us making out in a sketchy club in January, accidentally running into each other again in June at the same club, him booty-calling me two weekends in a row, spending 4th of July together, and him actually calling me 3 other times while he spent a month at home 2 hours away.