On Making Things “Facebook Official”

Featured

ImageThe whole idea of “Facebook official” quite frankly pisses me off. Like, when did this become a thing? Before 2004, or whenever Mark Zuckerberg began his plot for total world domination, being superpublicly “in a relationship” with someone didn’t really exist outside of your closest group of friends (and family, of course), unless you had a ring on your finger. Right? Am I right?

But now, when you make things official with someone — which I’m fairly certain I’m about to do (!) — there’s the extra layer of expected official-ness. The other elephant in the room: should we put it on Facebook? (Is that a question you ask?) I’ve only ever been Facebook official with two people since I joined in 2006; the first time, I made my high school boyfriend join Facebook specifically for that purpose. The second (and most recent) time, I got wasted on my birthday (as all responsible 22-year-olds do) and demanded that the guy I had been on 4 dates with ask me to be his girlfriend. After a bit of cajoling (signs it’s not going to work out: THERE SHOULD BE NO CAJOLING), he agreed. I mean, I had no idea what I was doing, but at the time it seemed like the right next step (hint: it wasn’t).

We didn’t talk about Facebook. A day later, I changed my status to “in a relationship” because after having “The Talk” with him, I couldn’t list that I was single on my page and feel like I was being completely honest about it. I didn’t request to be in one with him, because I’m a firm believer in letting guys do whatever they’re comfortable with regarding awkward social standards such as these, but he linked our statuses together a few days later.

10 days later, he decided it wasn’t a good idea for us to date anymore.

Well, great. Now that we’ve made our relationship status public for all of Facebook to see, we have to just as publicly remove it. 10 days? Just 10 days? Honestly, my first thought when I realized I had to take it off my profile was: gosh, what are people going to think?

Since then, I’ve been rather turned off to Facebook relationships. Making things official among the two of you as a couple — necessary, I know. Telling your friends — sure. Putting it on Facebook? I still don’t know how I feel about it. The times that I’ve had it up there, I’ve enjoyed seeing it there, but I think it might be for the wrong reasons. If I’m happy, why do I have to validate my happiness with everyone else? Why does more and more of my private life end up in the public eye, ready to be judged? Just some food for thought.

What do you guys think?

Overanalyzing Interactions With My Ex On Facebook

Featured

Why did he like what I just posted on Facebook?

He still has a thing for me. I mean, I’m funny. He obviously still thinks so, otherwise he wouldn’t “like” things that I post on Facebook. You like things on Facebook because you think they’re funny, so why would there be any other reason for him doing it? Please. I’m so over him. I can’t believe he doesn’t see that.

Rational answer: Because you’re still Facebook friends at this point, it means you’re 100% in the friend zone. Note: this isn’t the same as being friends. A good IRL (in real life) comparison would be a slight head nod in your direction if you happen to be in the same venue or establishment, something like friendly acknowledgement. It’s not a big deal.

Are those song lyrics in his status about me?

Well, who else could they be about? Song lyrics are the most passive agressive way to share complicated emotions with little to no effort at all, because the song’s artist has already done that for you! Let’s review a few, shall we?*

“I dig my head down deep / So I can’t hear the cars / Outside on the street /And the stars are laughing / They get a kick out of my misery” (Lyrics from Insomniac by Billy Pilgrim mean he’s clearly depressed)

“And all at once the crowd begins to sing / sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same” (Lyrics from All At Once by The Fray indicate a large amount of maturity on his end with which he realizes that your break-up isn’t easy but it’s definitely the right thing to)

Alternatively, he could post a link to Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” after not talking to you for a week and let you stew about that for awhile because it’s your favorite goddamn poem too.

Rational answer: First of all, if your ex-beau is putting up emotional (or otherwise) song lyrics as his status, there’s a reason you’re not dating anymore. Second of all, who cares? Hit the unsubscribe button on his page or un-friend him, for the love of Pete. If he wants to be publicly emo about whatever happened between you two, then let him annoy his 200 other Facebook friends with that crap. Not you. Never you.

*These are all real-life examples from yours truly

Why did he keep pictures of us together still tagged?

He’s clearly still pining over me because he can’t bear to not look at pictures of us together. I mean, to each his own, but it’s not like I sit on Facebook all day looking at pictures of us together. That would be so immature and a huge waste of time. I have better things to do, like eat a whole fucking pint of Ben & Jerry’s and watch The Notebook while bawling my eyes out.

Rational answer: Because it’s too much of an effort to untag them, and he wants your split to remain as civilized as possible in the social media world. The IRL version of untagging “couple” pictures right after a breakup would be similar to ripping actual pictures of you two in half.

…I’ve done that.

Why did he untag pictures of us together?

Obviously, seeing pictures of us together makes him upset and he wants nothing to do with them anymore. Poor guy.

Rational answer: Actually, this is probably pretty accurate.

Why is he only online for a few minutes at a time?

He logs on to see if I’ve posted anything new and when he sees I’m sitting on chat (which, by the way, I do without the expectation that he’ll talk to me) he signs off because he’s obviously too scared that I’ll say something. He’s likely at home, wallowing in self-pity about how we broke up/don’t speak anymore and can’t bear the thought of looking at how happy I am. Or just seeing my name in general, even if just for a minute or two.

Rational answer: 1. He has a life 2. You don’t, clearly 3. He really just wants to ignore you and is doing this in the most mature way possible while still going about his daily business of logging into social media. I mean, really. Get it together, girl.

Why did he like my new “in a relationship” status?

He’s trying to show me that he’s happy for me, when he’s really regretting his decision to break up with me and/or never speak to me again. He needs to stop kidding himself. He’s jealous, and wants to let me know. Men always want what they can’t have, i.e. me because I’ve finally moved on and am dating someone else.

Rational answer: Because he’s glad you’re finally happy with someone else and no longer obsessing over his every move on Facebook, you crazy bitch.