A Non-Exhaustive List of My First World Problems

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Disclaimer: This post is meant to be funny; I’m being sarcastic, not insensitive. For those of you that don’t understand the premise of the funny-but-maybe-not-so-funny joke “first-world problems” — I suggest you take a look at this first. That being said, the gist goes a bit like this: I have a lot of things that I can complain about, but they’re so minor in the grand scheme of things that they can only be classified as first-world problems.

  • My hair stylist says I can’t wash my hair every day or my hair color will fade faster, but I feel gross if I don’t take a shower every morning.
  • I was making something with caramelized onions last night and it took me 10 minutes to peel the skin off of my crappy looking onion. All of the good-looking onions at the grocery store were taken.
  • I spent more money for the extra shot in my latte this morning, but it’s not doing anything to wake me up.
  • I get no less than 3 emails from Williams-Sonoma a day, sometimes at 3 in the morning. What the f*ck is Williams-Sonoma, anyway? I don’t remember ever signing up for emails from them. Get out of my inbox.
  • If I walk away from my laptop for 5 minutes, my cat sits on the keyboard and I can’t use it until he moves, which he won’t because he’s grumpy and senile.
  • They upped the prices in the vending machine at work, so now I have to pay a full $2 for a candy bar and a soda instead of $1.60.
  • The PC keyboard I use at work is really clunky and makes it difficult for me to type things. Mac keyboards are just so much more user-friendly.
  • I got a blackberry right after they stopped being cool and now I’m stuck with it forever*
  • The grocery store only sells pine nuts in a tiny bottle that’s really expensive because it’s imported from Italy.
  • I should probably work out today, but I showered this morning.
  • I’m a vegetarian but I don’t really like vegetables.
  • The dating website that I signed up for seriously needs a web redesign. I mean, it looks like someone in high school made it.
  • One of my best friends has to try three separate times to call me on Skype, including restarting her computer, otherwise her video doesn’t work.
  • I pay $5 a month for a Spotify subscription so I don’t have to listen to ads, but I have music ADD and skip a majority of the songs in my playlists, so it’s really not worth my money.
  • The kitchen in my studio apartment doesn’t have a dishwasher, so there are always dirty dishes in my sink because I never feel like washing all of them at once.

*Dad: Consider this my first of many attempts to cajole you into letting me buy an iPhone when you renew the family phone plan.