Should I text him? (No, probably not.)

Credit: Becca Clason

I hate texting men. Why? Men either:

a) Suck at texting. If you send them a text at 3pm on a Saturday to make plans (a perfectly reasonable time — they should be awake by then) they don’t reply until 8pm, at which point you’ve resigned to staying in with a bottle of wine, a movie, and possibly a girlfriend or two to over-analyze why he sucks at texting you back.

b) Miraculously don’t suck at texting. If only I could meet a man who is attached to his phone as much as I am…

c) Annoy the shit out of you with their text messages, no matter how frequent or infrequent. (See: Texts from Bennett, although not quite as ridden with grammatical, spelling, and cultural errors.)

Regardless: I usually go out with guys who seriously don’t know how to operate a phone, so I’m normally the one who ends up initiating the text conversation. Thus, the helpfulness of this well-designed flowchart. I have a few rules to keep my texting habits in check, mostly so I don’t freak the guy out — but also to keep myself sane.

  1. If you want to guarantee a response, ask a question at the end of the text. That’s the last thing he’ll see, and if he’s not a total jerkface, he’ll feel somewhat obligated to respond. Level of crazy (1-5): 1. New questions are what keep the conversation flowing, unless you’re asking “where are you?” and “what are you doing?” and “are you sure you can’t hang out tonight? :(“
  2. Two texts in a row are acceptable, but only when you’re either: a) clarifying information that may have been misunderstood in a previous text, b) trying to make plans, or c) texting him again after a 24-hour period has passed. Three texts in a row, sent in a 24-hour period without any response from him, are absolutely unacceptable. Level of crazy: 3. I’ve had issues with being clingy in the past, so this rule might be a little strict.
  3. If he’s taking awhile to respond in between texts, do the same — he’s making you wait, so he can wait too. Level of crazy: 1. It’s not crazy. It’s called not being an eager beaver.

So, I have my rules. Thankfully, it means I’ve never been this girl. Ladies, I want to hear from you: do you make yourself follow any rules when texting a new guy or does anything go?