In college, it was actually an inside joke between me and my friends. We made a Facebook group (back when those were cool) dedicated to my impossibly high standards. It was called “It’s just because of my impossibly high standards…” and I’m pretty sure that we made it to make me feel better about how most of my friends were in relationships and I wasn’t.
The premise: “One fine day, I realized… damn. I have impossibly high standards, and may consequentially end up alone as a crazy cat lady. My own mother affirmed my fears, most unfortunately. Therefore, I have created this group so that those near and dear to me can remind me of all the instances where my impossibly high standards rear their ugly faces.”
This actually never happened. Also, the group is secret and you will never find it. (Insert: evil laugh?) Regardless, that is not the point of this post. Recently, I was reminded by an Anderson Erickson dairy truck that having ridiculously high standards is okay. Seriously, it’s the best life motto. I mostly attribute my lack of romantic relationships to my refusal to settle for anything, and while it’s getting harder to believe that my persistence is worth the wait, little realizations like this tend to briefly satisfy me and my ego.
The point of this post (if you skimmed, because I know you did!): If ridiculously high standards are okay for a dairy company, they’re okay for me!
And thus, I shall write an overview of my standards, of which I was actually recently told aren’t so ridiculous and impossible after all. Any man who I will consider going on a date with more than once must:
- Have a job. My high school boyfriend did not have a job. I did. It’s not like I’m old-fashioned and expect men to pay for everything, but when you borrow money from your parents to take me out to dinner and a few days later grab $20 from my wallet without asking to buy yourself an energy drink, we’re going to have some problems. Plus, I’m a big girl now. I have a big girl job. I expect the same of the person I’m dating. (If you’re going to be literal, he must have a big boy job and put on his big boy pants to go to work every day, not his big girl pants. I would hope he doesn’t have those.)
- Be educated (with at least a college degree). I don’t think it’s asking too much to want to be with someone who stimulates me… intellectually.
- Know what being a gentleman entails. I’m not saying I can’t open my car door, but old-fashioned gentlemanly gestures (while not in excess) are quite appreciated by those who have not had the chance to experience them on the regular occasion. See also: me, because I tend to date jerk-offs and losers.
- Have a car. Because I don’t. We’ll never be able to do anything cool if neither of us can drive anywhere.
- Have good hygiene. As in, you must shower more than once every three days. The same goes for brushing your teeth.
- Be articulate. I like conversing. Please also know grammar. There is no bigger turn off for a writer than your/you’re being misused. It’s not that hard. Really.
- Be able to make me laugh. This one is so self-explanatory, I’m not even going to explain it. (Also because I’m lazy and this blog is getting long because I’m writing it in chunks.)
- Appreciate coffee shops. Because I spend a lot of time there, and that’s where we’ll hang out. Especially if you don’t have a car.
- Know how to make more than pasta and instant soup. Because that’s all I feel like making ever. And I really should start branching out with what I eat.
- Have a sense of propriety. See also: don’t ignore me and hope that I’ll go away. Because I won’t. Imma poke you on Facebook until you defriend me, jerk.
- Have decent taste in music. While I can appreciate a select few country songs, if you can go on and on about how Toby Keith is your idol, we’re not going to get along. Also, if you like pretentious techno music that no one has ever heard of before, please go date a hipster.
- Want kids someday. While this isn’t something I’m going to bring up on the first date, I want to have a family. I can’t date someone seriously if they don’t want the same things that I want out of life, and this is one of them. So deal with it.
And must not (I don’t believe this is an exclusive list, but we’ll start with this):
- Use more hair product than me. Pauly D, I know you’re like Italian-American or whatever, but you’re out.
- Have excessive facial hair. (Yes, that is my go-to picture for excessive facial hair.)
- Be afraid of killing bugs that lurk in my apartment.
- Still have a MySpace.
- Be boring. No one likes a stuffy, stuck up person with nothing to talk about.
- Hate cats.
Please note that this list goes in no particular order. (Just in case you were concerned that hygiene is further down on my list than education and being a gentleman, because even if the smartest man in the world who had chivalry down pat was like “I want to date you!” but he didn’t brush his teeth on the regular, I would have to decline.)
Boyfriend applications are over in the corner, just pick one up on your way out… oh. No takers? Drat. Where should I budge?